I'm sure this is a topic that we can all relate to on some level. For me, this is something I struggle with almost on a daily basis. I don't know what it is about me that makes me that guy that has to be the one to "Let them make it", "Hold my tongue", or " Give people a "pass" when they let you down", but apparently I'm that guy. I guess I have always been that guy and I'm just now realizing it. When people let me down, in whatever form or fashion that may be, I kind of shut things down and throw the charm/positiveness/energy into neutral and eventually the relationship is lost. If the friendship isnt lost, the innocence usually is and the relationship is never the same. I don't know why I do this, but I guess Ive just trained myself to not give my all in any relationship at the first sign or hint that others may not do the same for me. This year alot of friendships have tapered off because of this.........at an alarming rate. The realist in me, says "Good riddance, you probably didn't need them playing a role in your life anyway". The optimist in me thinks that maybe I should have given them a chance to redeem themselves because most people [generally] are inherently good, just not perfect. I guess the point to all this is, that when I think of the friendships Ive let fall by the waste side, it kinda makes me sad. Not that having a million friends is the end all be all, but when I look at the number of people that I "didn't let slide", "didn't give a pass" or " didnt let make it", it makes me wonder: Is there something wrong with me?? If you are often identified as a person that can let people slide when they f**** up, (not many people can, Mr. Hodridge stand up) why should you always have to? Am I really asking alot by expecting people to treat me the way I would treat them in relationships?
When I get in any type of relationship / friendship, I honestly try to go in with a positive mindset. Ill do my due diligence on the person, (find out if we mesh well, have similar interests ect) & when they have jumped through all those "hoops", Ill call my best friend in Houston and tell him "We got another one". Here lately, Ive been having to make the same phone call and say "We just lost another one". In this world, I think its rare to find true friends that you can relate to and are genuine in there approach to their friendship with you. I guess because of this reason, when I find people that could potentially become great additions to the friendships I already have, it hurts that much more when the test of time proves that they are not. I'm not sure why, but I really take it personally when some one falis to meet my expectations. Maybe I give people these unrealistic expectations that no one can attain. Maybe I am setting myself up for continual disappointment. I read somewhere that "Having realistic expectations for others involves realizing that all of us are less than perfect." While this makes perfect sense, I really don't like the idea of expecting people to F*** up and then being surprised when they don't. I don't want to view the world or people in general in this pessimistic view, but maybe this is the lesson that God has been trying to teach me this year. "Don't expect too much and you ll have peace of mind"
I read this on a friends blog and I think it is very relevant:
"On the rare occasion that reality meets my expectations, one would think I'd be pleasantly surprised….but that is not the case. Why should I be excited about something/someone just meeting my expectations? Do you get excited when your car cranks up? No…because you expect it to run" -SH
I am grateful for the many friendships that I have gained over the last year, but when I look at the ones that were lost or are in danger of being lost, I wonder if hoping people meet my expectations is expecting too much. I wonder, if I had turned the other cheek and overlooked the issue that caused the friendship to be lost, if any of those people would be around today? I wonder why, when people notice you have that other cheek to turn, they continually find ways to slap it? I wonder if maybe I am the problem. I wonder, if I'm the problem, what and where is the solution. I wonder what life would be like if you always expected the worst in people, because you rarely got their best. I wonder how many people reading this are "that guy " and are as tired of this role as I am. Maybe I should expect to be let down from the start and when this happens, I haven't lost; and if my expectations are somehow "exceeded", thats a win. But does anyone really win when you approach relationships this way?
Till next time.....
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9 comments:
FROM C.WILLIAMS (CO-WORKER)
Damn playa…..Preach!
Posted at 6:05am on Sunday morning…..now that's how you get something off your chest!
That one really hit home! I always think I'm alone when it comes to situations like that, but it's nice to know that you think along the same lines. I expect the most out of friendships, but what I've noticed is that they come and go/fade in and fade out….
Everything happens for a reason though, or at least it seems a lot of things happen for a season. Some friends leave in order for new friends to be introduced. It's kind of like building a dynasty. Out of all the friendships I've have, let's just say the weak links have fallen off or faded away. As they say, "Only the strong survive!" What's crazy is, the older I get, I know what I expect out of a friend. If they're not living up to my expectations, I basically don't put fourth any more effort. True friends need very little direction, it's almost "automatic" for them. Questionable friends will ALWAYS be questionable!
First off Man I'm feeling the narrative you wrote my brother.
I agree with you for the most part on everything. But there are always two sides to a story. Maybe the individual didn't know what they said/did was going to be an issue. I've noticed allot of issues amongst friends are due to simple miscommunications. Also common sense is not common.
Lately in life, I've found myself wondering why some people act the way they do. I've realized that people are always going to do something that you might not like. It's up to you to say, "That is how he/she is" and you can either accept it and move on, or drop them. You know, there are certain things you notice someone will do, and fact of the matter is, that is what makes us all human.
But on the other hand, when you have a friend and you are feeling like this person is so cool man. Then they let you down, and it will hurt you. But life must go on.
******Emeka, you know what your problem is; you are putting the relationship up on a pedestal. You are just building the relationship up. Like its some undefeatable feat named relationshiplia.*********
I say just go into everything optomistically, give it your all, and in the end if it fails at least you can say that you did your part. Real Talk.
I've lost SO many friends over the years because of this same situation.
When I try to give life to a friendship but get nothing in return i'll let it go. If its worth trying, I try. and if its meant to be, it will......right?
"True friends need very little direction, it's almost "automatic" for them. Questionable friends will ALWAYS be questionable!"
Yo, I really feel this statement.
I'm coming from left field on this topic. I think I come off as that "questionable" dude (no homo, sorry Mayo I had to say it) at some point, but I am not. When I didn't come to your Giants gathering it made me feel terrible that it bother you, but I feel your frustration. At times I can be very wishy washy when it comes to sticking to plans and such, but that does not reflect the trust and love I have for my homeboys.
I am glad we have met and I am looking for to building with you, whatever empire that may be.
Great post.
Peace.
I hear ya baby boy! There is a poem titled "A Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime". It talks about how and why people come into and out of your life. You should read it...it may help put some meaning around what has appeared to be pointless relationships in your life. They are not pointless at all. Everyone brings some type of meaning to our lives even if they only share a short period of time with you.
It is your responsiblity to learn from each one. Each relationship will bring something new and rewarding to your life and it is all in what you do with it that matters.
anyways, u kno we mostly agree on this topic here...hell u even quoted a nikka
blog.myspace.com/ComplexSimplicity83
so there isnt much for me to add
except
1. u say u belive most people are good at heart but id dissagree...most people are selfish at heart (sometimes this leads to good, usually it
doesnt)
2. as far as giving people a pass goes
now a days, i have 2 systems
one is a 3 strikes your out system...for the person that "hasnt earned a pass"
the other is a 3 strikes, and re-evaluate the situation system
so...for the new friend, or the new girl......depending on the severity of the crime of course....gets 2 passes b4 im done with em on the 3rd strike
while the old friend.....after their 3 strikes....i sit down and ask myself, is this friendship worth me accepting xyz shortcoming
if so i stick around, if not, i fade away, until that other person reaches out to me....if so...i reevaluate, if they dont reach out .... f em
people will f up...and fall short of your standards or the standards you think they shoudl ahve for themself....but ya gotta give em a lil slack (if they earn that slack, that is)
i mean most of the friends i have now.....if i werent friends with em for yrs and yrs 1st i wouldnt put up with their lifestyle or some of the things they do, today
but to me, when u earn some things...ill give u a lil slack
~ComplexSimplicity~
I can relate to this post man, I guess you just get to a point ,while growing up, where you just realize that some relationships are just not worth it. I don't think its so much about letting bad relationships taper off, than realizing that you don't have to put up with shit.
Wow, interesting blog thing. Very touchy subject and seems like aryone got something on the same line. I think everyone comes from a very similiar point of view and I like it; however, I have a different approach on that subject.
I have never been in the business of giving out strikes, free passes, get out of jail free cards, etc, I have usually tried to be the one to understand that people are people and they will do stuff that you just wont like (otherwise, they would be you). With that said, I just learn to except people for who they are and understand God put them there for a reason. Once I have made that choice to accept you for who you are, its rather difficult to get on my "written off list". To an extent, anyone I consider "A friend" can do almost (i do mean almost) anything to affect me negatively and at the end of the day, I'll just get over it. If I consider someone a friend, the only thing that will make me shrug my shoulder away from them, is the moment I get the impression that it is one-sided and they do not cherrish my friendship. That to me is the only thing that is important. I can forgive, forget, and move past the small stuff; but once someone has given me the impression they do not cherrish my friendship... it's about that time to pack it up. Yes there is only so much one can hanlde, but to me friendship does not have a scorecard, tally marks, or anything like that. Very different, I know... but that's just my opinion on this subject...
Very good strong points made Emeka, I commend you on expressing your thoughts in words.
~Dueces... Tha BIG 1
hmmm... good one. I can definitely say that there are things that each of us do that may let another person down. I know with me...I try not to commit to anything unless it is the day of, because I may feel like going at that moment and change my mind later..or I may FORGET bc I have a short term memory. I know I have faults, which allows me to see past other's faults. Now there are some things that I won't accept as a friend, like when someone disrepects me, then its over. I guess it really depends on the situation. In the beginning, you may get let down, because you both are still learning one another. Things that may bother you, may not even be a thought to them..and vice versa. So, when you are learning a person, then usually it means that you see the potential in the relationship/friendship. A friendship/relationship will never be perfect, and will always continue to evolve and grow. I think the disappointments can fade if they are addresses. My whole thing is...if you never address your concerns, then you will continue to be let down, because the other person may not know that it bothers you. If they continue to do it, then you know that that person may not be a fit for your life, because they don't have your concern at heart. However, if they are a good fit for you, then they will at least acknowledge it and try to correct it. I say try, because we all slip up. Anyway....it really depends on the severity...if you feel like it can be corrected, and if you feel like it is something you can look past. ok ok ok..I know this comment was really random (scattered thoughts)...lol, but what can I say...I am random. =)
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