.....update

Wow, never thought id openly say this. But I am a bad person. Relationship wise that is. I just seem to have a knack for fucking things up. I was talking to a girl friend of mine and she made the comment,

"How come guys act like they know what they want, but they mess up and make things so hard"

When I graduated from college, I had it all. My degree, a good job, proud parents, truck I always wanted, smoking hot Nigerian girlfriend that was everything I ever wanted. Almost three years later, my life is in shambles. And I am scrambling, trying to pick up the pieces.

Life is funny, when one thing goes great in your life, other things tend to go the opposite directions.......and in a hurry.

Well I finally got my "dream job". I am a Financial Analyst @ Random Retail Video Chain Inc. Making more money that I thought I could at this age [25 yrs & 11 months]& working with really good people. I think my career has taken a positive step in the right direction and I thank God for all his blessings in this regard.

However, my personal life at best can be compared to a really bad episode of Melrose Place. [Showing my age there], ill make it a little easier for some of you unfamiliar, a shitty black version of The Hills?? Hopefully that helps. Anyhow, the shit has really hit the fan. I heard a quote that best sums up what I'm going thru/having to deal with at the moment:

"inevitably, the further you run from your sins, the more exhausted you are when they catch up to you. And they do"

I keep asking my self how the hell I got here. What have I ruined? How will this shit effect my life going forward? I don't really know the answers now, but I am scared as hell to find out. Ive already resolved that if she can deal with this shit, then she is the one meant for me to marry. I pray God gives her the strength to face me after all of this plays out. If not then I guess it was never meant to be. Something in my gut tells me that I wont ever see or hear from her again. I just cant help feeling responsible for all of this. WAIT!!! I AM RESPONSIBLE. I put that poor girl through so much, and the ironic things is that all I really wanted to do was make her happy. Make us happy. Things have gone from bad, to worse, to horribly gone wrong. Life has a way of changing your plan just when you think you have it all figured out.

God please give me the strength to deal with all of this. I know that you don't put your children thru anything they cannot handle, but I have no idea how I'm gonna deal with this on my own. I don't think I am strong enough.

I know this post is fairly vague, but its the best I can do under the current conditions. For those of you who know me personally or frequent this blog regularly, I just ask that you don't ask me too many questions right now, because I'm still trying to find the answers. Ive been dealing with alot of heavy shit the last few months.

Just know that I need your prayers now more than ever.

Till next time.........