I really forgot just how good fight club is. As I was watching it, I found myself strangely identifying with Edward Nortons character. For those of you who are not familiar with this movie, It's the story of a man who is subconsciously fed up with the monotony of everyday life and creates a new persona inside his mind to revolt against his repetitive lifestyle. When I say I identify with Norton's character, I only mean the part of him that is driven to create his alter ego. I'm talking about the part in all of us that go through this monotonous routine called life & struggles with the question of "Is this all there is". Maybe its just me, but I am bored out of my fucking mind. My God, I don't know what my perception of what life was gonna be like after school, but so far this is not what I expected. Shit if you ask me what I expected, I probably cant even tell you, but I'm sure it wasn't this.Recently Ive been thinking about meaning & purpose when it comes to this life. For 52 weeks, I Wake up, go to work, work out, go home, watch tv till you fall asleep. Wake up and do it again. Repeat this four more times and then "rest" on the weekends? Watch Friday go by as quickly as it came, waste Saturday doing nothing and then begin the "Damn I gotta go to work in the morning" countdown on Sunday. I guess you can sprinkle in a few random unique events that break up this routine, but for the most part you spend your life pretty much doing the same shit over and over until you die. I feel like the weeks come and go. Life is quickly passing me by. This probably doesn't feel good to read, but sometimes I wake up thinking Whats the point of all this? In my "youth" getting the approval & praise of my parents used to be enough to keep that previous question out of my mind. I would try to do well in school, football, and any other extra curricular activity to please them ; often falling short of their expectations and constantly having something to strive towards. I'm 25 years old now. I did well enough in school to graduate high school & college. Check. I was able to get a football scholarship, start & be a productive member of my team, & I got a fat bowl ring for my trouble. Check. After I graduated from college it took me two weeks to find my first job. Check. I made enough money from working to buy the truck I dreamt about in college. Check. Even after I spent all that money on the truck, I was somehow able to get a nice condo with my brother. Check. To me, I have reached or exceed a lot of the goals I had when I was younger and these days I struggle with finding what to do next that will motivate me in the next 25 years of my life. I have this overwhelming feeling of NOW WHAT??? What am I gonna do now that's gonna give meaning/ purpose to my life. I know what isn't gonna do this for me, and that's working. I probably sound like a lazy fool, but I think this is the one thing that I detest the most. I remember being in school and telling some of my classmates, "Yea man, I cant wait till I get out of school so I can get a 9-5 and make some money!". I wish I could build myself a time machine & go back in time to the precise moment when I voiced those misguided opinions to others; so I can kick my ass for being so naive and stupid. Hindsight is a bitch! I LOVE MONEY, but at this early point in my career, I'm not sure what amount of money will offset or outweigh the dread and hate I have for getting up in the morning and going to work. Maybe I'm not making enough right now and I'm just bitter, but I know people that make 3 times as much as me that have pretty much the same sentiments. I was talking to a friend last night and she was asking me : What makes you happy? The fact that I have no clue how to answer this question really bothers me. I have no clue what really makes me happy. The more I thought about this question, the more I started to realize that outside of the occasional sporting event, I really have nothing to look forward to. Sounds odd to say that, but for me this is the case unless you count the fact that I will one day become and old guy with a receding hairline (thanks dad), not be able to stay in shape like I am now and have all the other eventual problems that come with age. The only thing that I really think will give my life purpose and meaning would be to have kids. I think having some kind of positive profound impact on one of my own, would somehow validate this life for me. I sense this every time an old friend calls me asking for work/relationship/ or general advice and im able to help or at least put perspective on things. I like helping people or at least steering them clear of potential disasters. So yea, I think having kids would be my "motivation", but the only problem with that, is that you need this thing called a woman. Im not of big fan of you guys these days. I wont get into this ordeal, but these days you can just call me Ethan Hunt. Because finding & keeping a woman has officially become Mission Impossible. Anyway, this same friend was telling me that maybe I'm feeling this way about life because I'm single. I told her that she may be right, but I don't think someone can make you happy unless you've found a way to make your self happy first. Maybe this is the reason no relationship has really stuck for me. How can you find happiness with someone when you don't have it within yourself? Good question. Wish I had the answer to this one, but i fucking don't. The more things i try, the more things i find that don't make me happy. Ill be sure to let y'all know when Ive figured this one out. Because right now, I have no clue.....
Jumping back to the working subject, I guess I'm starting to see why there are so many small businesses out there. People fed up with working for someone else, thinking if they are their own boss they may actually enjoy what they do more. When you put it that way, it sounds good, right?..........wrong. Even this has its own set of drawbacks. My parents have their own business and its probably gonna drive them to an early grave. Not that I want my parents to leave this earth or anything, but I see the added stress that owning, operating and ultimately being responsible for your own business, has on a person and it seems almost as bad as working for someone else. I work for lack of a better idea. I work because I want to get promoted and make more money ( if i have to work, why not get paid top dollar). I work because if I'm lucky enough to get married, I don't want the bachelor party to be held at Dave & Busters and the reception held at McDonald's. I work because if God blesses my life with a special woman, I want to put a fat rock on her finger and be able to take care of her. I work because someone has to pay for my condo. I work because I like driving my truck. I work because I like to look good in expensive clothes that I don't need. I work because every now and then, girls like to be wined and dined and that shit takes money. I work because if i didn't id probably be another statistic.......because my parents would kill me. I work because it makes my parents proud to have a son that is "doing well". I work because I have student loans to pay back. I work because my brothers will hopefully follow my example. You didn't see "I work because, it makes me happy", because the bottom line is that working really sucks and I'm starting to think that "happiness" is about as real as Santa Claus
Till next time.....
4 comments:
Wow, E! You should def consider switching careers...find something that you actually enjoy doing! Ask yourself, "Was accounting actually my DREAM career in college?" Perhaps, it was something you did just to make that quick paper, or maybe to please your mom & pops. It's never too late to go back to school. Let it marinate.
Also, take time off and travel the world. Re-discover your roots, or go somewhere that you never even thought of visiting. You'd be surprised at what you're missing.
Lastly, find a wifey. A relationship comes with ups and downs, but once you find that special one, you'll know what happiness is.
If all else fails, get famous off of YouTube videos!
Happiness is totally out there for everyone. Don't give up on that. But the truth is, you won't find happiness in a job, a car, an expensive sweater, or a smoking hot girlfriend. You'll find it within yourself. Let that be your goal in the new year.
you know...motivation...sometimes people find motivation in what's to come. I think that alot of people start preparing now, so when they have a family it will be great. There motivation is preparing for that next step. I know sometimes having a goal, can provide that motivation and happiness. Like saying, in aug of 2008 I am going to buy myself a BMW, or I am going to go to Brazil...something. Because are dreams are what we reach for and strive more. They give us purpose and allow us to move forward. Happiness comes from attaining goals...and from within. I know it is easier said then done, but I am sure writing and expressing your opinions in blogs makes you happy. Maybe you should start there. =)
Emeka,
What you are feeling is not uncommon of a lot of young people. Generations XY and Z want the entire world at their fingertips and sometimes we get frustrated when that doesn't happen. My advice to you is that you need to first take a good look in the mirror and honestly ask yourself do you appreciate and make the most of the blessings you have right now. Trust me there are so many people that are less fortunate than you and you should be thanking God everyday that you have a loving family, friends, job, truck, and home. Once you come to a true appreciation of your life, you may be able to understand how you can make an impact at work. Once you stop thinking of you job as a 9-5 but as a career, you will see the beauty in the career ladder that you have to climb. Nobody's (well hardly anybody's) first job is perfect. But you have to develop yourself personally and professionally to make it a stepping stone to an awesome career. You need to go to work everyday thinking how can I exceed what I did yesterday. You need to have a game plan everyday at work. You gotta stay hungry. As far as women go, you have to have the same mentality. You have to work hard for a great relationship. Sure you may loose some times, but when you find the right girl you gotta give her everything you got. If you give your all to the right one, it will come back to you 10 fold. Stay up man, because life isn't perfect but it can be an awesome experience if you just let go and let God in to help you. In all honesty, I think you need to pray for more guidance. You are on the right path, you just need a little push to realize your potential. Much love,
Patricia Rene Opurum
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