I wanna be sedated......

I don't think I will ever adjust to not being in a relationship. It has been over 6 months since I have spoken to my ex, so I'm pretty sure that this thing is for real. I think people that go in and out of relationships like its nothing (or give the appearance that its nothing) are extraordinary human beings. I know people that don't waste time dating or entertaining other people on a serious level after they have split with an ex. Its been 7 months and I cant even stomach the idea. I must be missing that gene in body that will just give someone else a chance. It seems that I have been ruined by a good woman because it is going to take a modern miracle for me to ever look at another girl the way I looked at her. I get advice all the time "date around", "see whats out there". I don't like being alone, but I do have a conscious. I cant waste someones time and I don't want to waste my time either. I can tell from the instant that I meet someone that its either gonna be purely physical or an emotional waste of their time. Strange thing is that for some reason, when you "reject" women, they seem to come on stronger. Mind boggling. I don't wanna be that guy that messes around with a girl and leads her on ya know. Don't get me wrong, Ive done it in the past, I just think i should change my ways. Or at least try. I wish I could trust God more on this one. Then maybe I wouldn't be so consumed by this that I have to take to the blog in order to avoid shedding tears randomly. There are days that I struggle with the notion that THIS is all part of Gods plan for me. I think today is one of those days. I just want to be happy but it seems like nights alone and dinners for one continue to be my present and very much apart of my future. I am going to be honest. This sucks. I guess the silver lining for me in this is that the next time I find myself in a relationship that I find value in; I will treasure it and not take it for granted. I think that was part of my problem to begin with. No matter what happened, I just felt like my relationship with my ex could take it. Like it was something that could be continually tried and tested........and never fall apart. I was wrong. Very wrong. That's something Ill have to think about forever. And try not to repeat if I am lucky enough to be in a similar situation down the road.

Well, at least work is going good........oh wait.......not so much

I am bored as hell at work. Don't get me wrong, the money is good, but I guess I am getting to the point of being so insanely bored that I might actually go look for another job. Crazy right? I know, it scared me just typing it. A few months ago, I was told that a promotion was in the works, but I think that's something they tell talented employees to discourage them from looking. Guess what, it fucking worked like a charm on me. I stopped looking and even started spending money that I don't have. Two months later (and no discussion of the previously stated promotion); I find my self quietly saying FML to myself everyday I walk into the office.

At least school is going ok........wait nope......not so much......

The aforementioned cocksuckers that I am employed by, pulled our tuition reimbursement benefit two weeks before I was eligible to receive it. Talk about perfect timing. Citing the economic downturn they felt like it was in the company's best interest to pull it. I feel like I owe it to myself and to my parents to get my Masters degree, but I ain't paying for that shit. We are in a recession and I need every penny I can scrape together. I am a phone call away from being laid off like the other 8% in this state. So basically, I need to find a new job. One that will pay me what I am worth and pay for my Masters. I guess I could focus my energy on that. Well see how that goes. Fuck.

Till next time........

HR3200 Debate

I need to do better about getting my thoughts out, but I just haven't been inspired to.............until now.

I just had a very healthy and spirited debate about one of the most controversial topics of the day: HR3200, which is most commonly referred to as America's Affordable Health Choices Act of 2009.

For weeks I, like many of you, have seen ad after ad, lie after lie regarding this very controversial and polarizing piece of legislation. So much has been said, one might actually be inclined to believe some of the "Death Panel" nonsense that has been fed to anyone willing to eat it.

Well, last night President Obama decided, once and for all, to set the record straight so that all Americans could see this bill for what it truly is. While I have my own criticisms of the bill I still wanted to give the President an opportunity help me understand exactly what the bill entailed. You can image my surprise when I scanned the audience and saw so many House & Senate Republicans acting like toddlers being to forced to eat baby food. I honestly couldn't believe my eyes. Members of the GOP, sulked, bitched & moaned throughout the entire speech & one jackass even had the nerve to interupt the President by yelling at him.

Needless to say this pissed me off. So much so, that I went to bed pissed. Woke up pissed & went to work pissed. Naturally, me being the facebook addict that I have become, I updated my status to convey my frustration to the world : "Emeka thinks republicans are fuckin ridiculous".....

I expected to get some comments, but nothing quite like this:

Emeka thinks republicans are fuckin ridiculous....

Eric
me too!!!!

Raji

I don't know many people who can argue with common sense or the act of being humane and loving your neighbors. But that was before I met the RNC.


Chris

Why?

Emeka

@ Chris: Its one thing to disagree with the President, but it’s another to blatantly sulk and disrespect the President during a speech. I wasn't sure if he was addressing a room full of Senators or a detention hall full of flunkies from Jackson Middle School. Based on the immature actions of the republicans last night, it was hard to tell the difference.......which is fuckin ridiculous

Valentine

yep, first they spew propaganda telling parents to keep their kids at home during Obama's speech to kids. Then this Joe Wilson guy yells out during Obama's speech as if he is at a bar. The truth is that republicans still cannot get over the fact they lost the last election and they will do everything in their power to make it difficult Obama.

Eric

its crazy how the republicans are trying EVERYTHING in their power to scare america into thinking we have ZERO chance to succeed with Obama as president. Its people coming into my job and coming to class really believing in 5 years we ALL will be standing in food lines like they did back during the great deppression. People REALLY believe that will happen because of our president. Fuckin rediculous!!!!!!!

Chinedu

Did anybody see the Republican response after the speech? Now that mess was ridiculous! It was like dude didn't even watch the address....

Chris

I think that anyone is entitled to react and respond to a statement from the President. While the timing and delivery was definitely inappropriate, the President has not considered the millions of American's who are pleading with him to make a compromise rather than shove some last-minute bill through Congress. They literally gave Congress less ... Read Morethan 12 hours to review a bill over 1000 pages before they were scheduled to vote. That is simply impossible. There are too many loopholes, gray areas, and financial discrepancies that Obama has yet to explain. I have yet to hear any concrete, factual backing to his promises. While the majority of Americans would say that yes, something needs to change with healthcare, it is scary to think that Obama is going to pass this without thorough (or any!) research and experimentation. His mysterious motives are the cause of irate and emotional outburst. America is desperate for factual information from him and he has yet to provide it...

Chris

...Any state that has had a public option has miserably failed. Healthcare in foreign countries is nothing less than morbid. THAT is why people are becoming overly emotional. The past and current state of other puplic health plans are the only examples we have and they arent positive. What's scarier is HR3200 is not something that you can just take... Read More away and reverse if it doesnt work. And if it does NOT work, America is going to be in a huge amount of trouble. None of this means that ANYONE is ridiculous, it means that people feel helpless, hopeless, and out of control. Yes, Obama is the President of this country, but this is also MY country and he is not listening to me and my concerns with healthcare. He REFUSES to listen. THAT is the root of the problem.

Dominique
@chris....your statesments sounds like what democrats have been saying about previous republican presidents for years....hmmm

Valentine

"Healthcare in other countries .... morbid" . I have lived in UK and i can tell you that for the regular joe who is not rolling in cash the healthcare system is effective. Republicans are puppets of insurance company lobbyists, at a detriment to the progress of the country and its ppl they would rather be bull headed at the idea of change. I see ... Read Moreall these ppl at the town hall meetings half of them dont even know what they are suppose to be mad about, which gets you thinking " are they really arguing the healthcare bill or are they mad at something else. I say fuck the republicans and move right ahead with or without them.

Emeka
@ Chris: I understand you argument. I hear what you are saying. Trust me, I know as well as anyone that this process has been very disjointed. But what continues to baffle me is this justification of actions. Just because you don... Read More’t agree with something, even something as polarizing as this, doesn’t give anyone the right to be disrespectful to anyone. Especially The God Damn President of the United States. I haven’t seen this much outward distain for any US President ever in my life & it makes me sick. Hell for all Bush put this country through; he didn’t get HALF of the nonsense that OBAMA has been getting. IT’S FUCING RIDICULOUS. This fact and this fact alone is what my status was referring to..........

Emeka

......As far as HR3200 is concerned, I too have my concerns about passing a bill of such magnitude in such haste. But if you... Read More’re looking for a scape goat, you don’t have to look any further than the GOP. There might be time for proper review had the GOP actually tried to help shape a bill that served the greater good instead of self interests. What kills me is that they really aren’t needed for this thing to pass, but in light of that fact Obama still wanted to work with the GOP to make sure their voices (YOUR VOICE) where heard. Simply put, they didn’t want to hear it. Instead you got your Glen Becks, Rush Limbaughs and Joe Wilsons of the world fighting any hint of change to the established order of things. The GOP killed any chance of bipartisan progress being made on this bill. THAT’S a FACT......

Emeka

......And now that Obama has slowly swayed a majority of reluctant Democrats to support this, NOW the GOP wants to heckle “What about us... Read More”, NOW they want to run defamatory TV adds “We are killing our seniors”, NOW they want to claim the most outrageous propaganda you’ve ever heard to anyone that will listen to stop something that they could have been influential in shaping. I am sorry that you feel that your voice is not being heard, but I guarantee you wouldn’t feel that way if you had better conservative leadership. I voted for Obama. I trust that everything being done in regards to HR3200 is for the genuine betterment of this country. Will there be problems? Probably. How we confront these problems will define this country going forward and at the moment I have every reason to feel optimistic that we will figure it out. It would be nice if the Republicans took a break from their childlike antics long enough to help….

Chinedu

Took the words right out of my mouth. The President said in his speech that his door is ALWAYS open for ppl to come and express their ideas, yet Republicans want to spread ridiculous nonsense about "killing seniors" and "DEATH PANELS".....seriously...DEATH PANELS? Absolute NONSENSE!!!

Alisha

Meka...I think you said enough! LOL!! I will say this: SOME republicans are absolute sore losers and are demonstrating so in their ridiculous behaviors, i.e. spreading foolish lies, creating panic over a harmless speech, disrespecting the president during a national address, etc. The election of our first black president has rubbed the very worst ... Read Moreout of the dormant, silent bigots of this country and its very sad to say the least. I am disappointed in the Republican party and the way in which they have chosen to play "politics." Its dirty, disrespectful, and shameful....F'n ridiculous as you called it!
:-)

Rebekah

GREAT comments...I too saw the republicans acting like a bunch of adolescent school girls...pouting, slouching in their chairs, whispering to one another and playing on cell phones...seriously, it was a hot mess!!! And I personally feel that they are more concerned with putting $ in their pockets than HELPING the middle and lower class. They are ... Read Moreso blinded by their HATE and MISTRUST of President Obama, they don't even realize that they are blocking PROGRESS! I say pass that bill and let them SULK!

If people stop listening to IDIOTS like Rush, Glen, Hannity & Palin, maybe they will learn the TRUTH about the proposed bill and stop making up lies! ANd to be honest, I feel some RACIAL tension that is in effect with this as well. I have NEVER seen a US PRESIDENT be so DISRESPECTED by a representative like I saw last night! That was soooo disapointing... The GOP needs to get over it!

Jackie

Republicans are idiots and all of a sudden have amnesia of the last 8 years. They want facts now but we still haven't found those WMDs and don't let me start with Dick.

I wish these republicans could replay the radio interview with Ronald Reagan (republican) saying that this new social order called Social Security was something that would leave the US open to invasion by the Nazi Germans. And now republicans are fighting so hard to keep it just bc the opposite would mean agreeing with Obama..

Who came up with the idea of Medicare..democrat, who is actually making change to help the American people and not just throw bombs back and forth overseas..democrat..the list goes on... Read More

This is nothing but covert racism and political postering..republicans say it has nothing to race but why else would u keep ur kid home just bc the president is speaking?!?!

There is nothing like nice healthy friendly debate. Now that you've read this, whats your take?

If you don't have one, you should.....

Till next time...........

.......when love is your problem

............nothing can solve it. Who knew this clown with a lisp and an Atlanta Braves fitted had so much talent. Of course I'm referring to The Dream and his new album "Love vs. Money". Get it. Its good. Really good.

Anyway, I haven't been on here in a minute so I guess I should give a little recap of what's been going down in the world of Emeka.

Beckham: He's still proving all the haters wrong. Sounds pretty cheesy but this guy really inspires me. He's constantly scrutinized and criticized but time and time again he turns the other cheek and with a grin on his face, he proves everyone wrong. He doesn't mind being hated or being the villain. He can take it because he knows at the end of the day each time he puts on that England jersey and performs at a high level, he is one step closer to history: South Africa 2010.

Work: Despite the recession, I am still gainfully employed at "Random Video Rental Company Inc". Its been a year since I left that shitty candy company I used to work for and by far its the best thing that I could have ever done for my career. But with a new job comes a new set of challenges, some that I never thought I would be forced to deal with. I feel torn about the current state of things at work because on one hand I am doing what I set out to when I graduated college. I am constantly learning & I feel like I have grown leaps and bounds in one year than I did in the 2 1/2 years at the shitty candy company I used to work for. On the flip side the work load can be extremely heavy. I look at the people who are higher in the food chain and wonder how the hell they are able to function in society as much as they work. I see what the career path is where I am & I sometimes ask myself "Is that what you want to do with your life?" I never thought work would ever effect my life outside of it, but this job has shattered that perception. Don't get me wrong, I work hard. I've worked hard for everything I have and I am thankful for every opportunity that I have been given. But when you watch multiple people leave, one of which left because he barely saw his young child awake because he worked so much, you have to take a step back and ask yourself, "Is this for me". I don't exactly know the answer to that just yet, but I'm sure in time I will.

Friends: For some reason this year I have managed to lose a lot of close friends and one important relationship (probably the relationship of my life) just ended. I think it would be easy to just pass this off as a case of they suck and its them, not me; but maybe it is me. Maybe there is something about me that just eventually pushes people away. I don't have that "Let them make it gene", no matter who you are, if you make me feel a certain way, ill let you know how it is, and I guarantee you won't want to hear it. Most people don't, and that's how good friendships/relationships go bad. I feel like at the age of 26 I should be able to manage relationships better than I have. I don't know if I can change though. When things go bad/I'm backed into a corner /I'm pushed too hard,  I just shut down and walk away.  It's a lot easier for me to walk away from stuff than to deal with them head on. I think I am destined to be alone, at least thats the way it seems. Alone can be good though. Less people around to let you down.......

Moving forward:  For some reason I think I am going to start doing whatever the fuck I want to do. Being the first born to Nigerian parents, you are raised to sort of be fearful of everything. Nigerians like to go with the safe bet. Taking chances is looked at as being reckless instead of following your instincts or following your heart. So because I'm the mood I am going to list out a few things that I hope to accomplish this year, God willing

1) Tattoo-  I think its time for me to get some ink. I've been wanting this for some time & I think I am just gonna do it : Fuck it

2) Bubba - There is about 4grand worth of work that I want done to my truck to make it everything I ever wanted and I'm probably gonna do that too. I have a job, I have savings, why not. Yes, I named my truck Bubba. And I plan on getting a custom license plate too......

3) Vegas- I will be in Vegas at some point this year, maybe that's where ill get my tattoo

4) Re-evaluate living in Texas - not sure how much longer ill be living in Texas. I'm over Dallas. I'm kinda over Texas period. I feel like there is more to life than Dallas, TX and I want to see it....I need to see it......who knows.....

5) Get more involved in church. For some reason I've been acting like my parents didn't raise me to go to church. Like a heathen or something. I've been slacking big time. I need to get back in church. I need to get back to the basics.

6) Blog more. I always say my life could be a great pilot for a TV comedy or drama.....I need to start writing this shit down. If i can get back to a daily blog that would be cool. There is some good shit in these archives [shameless plug] , so i know I'm capable.....need to get off my ass.

Reality TV:  I swear this shit is like a drug. My new addiction is Bad Girls Club & For the love of Ray J. I faithfully DVR these shows and even watch the re-runs. I know its disgusting. I am out of control. Another good one is the show "From G's to Gents". Someone needs to go google this clown representing Houston named "Riff Raff".  That's probably the funniest name I've ever heard. So funny!! Nice to see that other people have train wrecks for lives as well. Good times.

I think this is enough for one night. I'm refreshed, I'm reloaded, I'm back.

Until next time.......................

Loan Approved!!!

I feel for david beckham, part of me thinks he got lured to mls with more than $250 million dollar pay check.Alexi Lalas led Beckham to believe that the L.A. Galazy had a decent team. There was Donovan, and that other guy I don't remember. Becks thought he was going to be part of the squad, I don't think David Beckham expected to BE the squad. Beckham has never been the player that's done it on his own, he's always helped others get better. At the Galaxy, the majority of the team is so bad that not even David Beckham can help them.I think Becks was blinded by the glitz and glam of L.A. and the paycheck, not the mention the major wank for his ego, and to be honest I think the former Galaxy GM let him be that way. It's only now that Beckham realizes how bad things really are at the Galazy.

Remember: David Beckham is a winner

He's won at Manchester United, he's won at Real Madrid, and he's.... well played loyaly for England. It's degrading to a winner to be on a losing team, if this were any other league, the Galaxy would be RELEGATED! David Backham on a relegated squad?! That's essentially what's happening here.

I just think he has every right to want a loan move to AC Milan.Yes, he's thinking about his legacy, but honestly who wouldn't be? Beckham has devoted his life to football, and it would be a shame to tarnish his reputation for a new generation by ending his career badly with the Galaxy. Does Beckham regret his move to the Galaxy?: Yes, I'd say it's been more stressful than anything else. With the salary cap in MLS, I think Beckham has realized that the chances of the Galaxy becoming a better club are slim to none, at least not in the remaining 4 years of his contract. The defenders are poor, the midfielders are so so, and the star striker is still only american.

Now here's a really intriguing question:

Would David Beckham still want to leave MLS if he were playing for the likes of the Houston Dynamo, New England Revolution, or even Toronto FC, who clearly have the best fans in the league?

Is it the Galaxy as a club which has turned Beckham cool on Major League Soccer?

Does anyone but the players and managers involved, ever know the real story in football?

Who knows, but I don't think he would look so miserable all the time if he were playing for a different club.I don't think anyone should stand in the way of David Beckham resurrecting his football carreer, especially MLS, a league that had not even the slightest respect in world football until they got David Beckham. The Galaxy need to know where they've gone wrong, and should let Beckham have his break. I mean, they couldn't be any more awful without him, once you're bottom in the american league, you can only go up.

- Anonymous

Till next time

LIfe is not fair

They say, "When it rains, it pours". If I had to sum up the 26th year of my life, I cant think of any other quote that I would use.

The soap opera that is my life took another puzzling turn at 7am, Sunday morning, Oct 20th 2008.

I don't know what made me answer the phone that morning, because usually Sunday is the day that I am dead to the world. As I checked my alarm clock to see what time it was, I did a double take at the fluorescent 7 that appeared and thought to myself, "Who the F*** is calling this early on a Sunday?" I reached over and grabbed my phone in frustrated anger and saw that my mother was the culprit. "Oh Lord, what did I do now?" [7 am phone calls are never good] So I tempered my anger and answered the phone.

"Emeka........."

I still haven't come to grips with what I heard next. One the other end of the phone was my mother, sobbing, trying to keep it together long enough to tell me the terrible news.

"Emeka, Mr. Dikeocha is dead."

(Typing that sentence makes me tear up, because I still cant believe it.)

I felt a chill run up my spine. At first I just sat there hoping that I was still asleep. Wishing that maybe I would wake up and it would all just be a dream.

"Emeka, Mr. Dikeocha is dead. They shot him"

As she spoke, I could hear her voice cracking. She tried to continue with the details and just burst into tears.

Its like my body just went numb. All I could do was say, "Mommy no!. Mommy no!"

"He didn't come home last night. Auntie Pricilla had been calling all over looking for him and could not reach him. Then finally she got a call from one of his employees and they said that she should go to the shop, it looks like there is something going on. So she called your dad and your uncle to go with her. When they got there, police were all over the place. They tried to go inside to see what was going on, and the police said "You cant go inside, there is a dead person in there". Someone shot him, Emeka. Mr. Dikeocha is gone"

I started to cry. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. My heart was racing. My hands were shaking. I just couldn't believe that this was happening!

Ill be the first to admit that Mr. Dikeocha was not my favorite uncle, but he was one of my Dad's best friends. He was always around us. He was part of our extended family. He was there when I graduated from UNT. He was there when I bought my first car. He was there when I got my first offer letter for employment. Every significant achievement that myself or my brothers have ever had, Mr. Dikeocha was there. He prayed for us & he celebrated with us.




-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Its been three days & I still cant belive he is gone. It feels like a bad dream or something. Just doesnt seem real.

Murdered??? Why??? Why would anyone want to hurt my uncle? This makes no sense! I just saw this man alive three weeks ago and now your telling me that no one will ever see him alive again. Even worse, he didnt die of ilness, he was killed by someone that wanted to rob him??

Fuck this world man. Seriously. This is bullshit. This man never harmed a hair on a single person. EVER. And his reward for being a good man is to be violently killed by some bastard that wanted to steal a couple hudred bucks. Fuck this shit.!!!!!!!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



I know that everthing happens for a reason and that this is God's will, but right now Im angry. I cant help it. No one deserves to go out like this. He didnt derseve this. His wife didnt deserve this & the five small children that are now fatherless didnt deserve this.

Sometimes I just hate the world we live in. This is cliche, and Im sorry to say this, but these are the things that force you to put life into perspective. It can be taken from you at a moments notice. Its not fair, but thats the way it is.

Business wise, my uncle was everything I hope to aspire to be. He was a CPA, an accountant & he sold cars on the side. He worked for himself, made his own money & owend several businesses. He was the sole provider for his wife and their 5 children, and they lived very comfortably. Next to my dad, I don't know anyone who worked harder than this guy.

Family wise, he was the everything a family man should be. My mother & I visited them three weeks ago, & he was mowing the lawn with his only son, Junior. My heart break for these children that are now fatherless & my auntie who is now a widow.

He loved his friends and he loved his Nigerian heritage. My uncle, my dad & Mr Dikeocha, were the three amigos. They were the best of friends and I know in their own way, each of them are mourning the loss of the dear friend. He was a shining star for his family in the US & back in Nigeria. He was well respected in the Nigerian community here in Dallas. He will definitely be missed.

Here is the article that ran in the Dallas Morning News a few days ago.

As for the way he passed, all I can say is that God will deal the individual or individuals responsible for this in due time. These people will never prosper. They will be caught & for their sake, I hope the police catch them first......

Till next time.....

back for the first time......

I know its been a while but I think im finally at a place where I can resume my normal blogging schedule. I'm just gonna warn you, my next few post are probably gonna be pretty depressing and sad, but I promised myself that I would keep it real on this blog & that I would use this as my release in hopes that anyone that comes across this blog can leave it saying........"I felt that" or at the very least relate to what they just read.

I don't intend on breaking that promise, so without further adieu.........

Day 232. No miracle today. More of the same. Maybe tomorrow will be the day....

Sometimes life can throw shit at you that is pretty tough to deal with. I'm gonna be honest here. I miss my ex girlfriend. I know at times, my actions may be contradictory, but I honestly miss her.



I MISS HER!



I don't know what I'm gonna do if this shit doesn't turn around. Being in this situation with someone you like is a piece of cake. You only "like" them right. You don't have anything invested in the relationship, you can brush yourself of and just move on to the next one.

Being in this situation with someone you love will is one of the hardest things Ive had to deal with in my 26 years on this earth. What makes this situation so difficult is that I can only blame one person.......ME. I'm so used to being the one with the "upper hand" in relationships. I'm always the one "in the right". I'm always the one contemplating giving someone a second or third chance. I have to be honest, Ive never been able to do it, so when I sit hear and ask this woman to do this thing Ive never been able to do, it make me sad, because I know that chances are really slim that this thing will end in my favor. I will say this : its very interesting to see how things are on the other side. When shit is your fault, you have absolutely no leverage at all. You cant say shit. You cant even make jokes about other people that have done things you are in "trouble" for. Being in this position with someone I genuinely care about has been the most depressing, lesson-has been learned; harsh bit of reality that has ever happened to me.

Ive been extremely vague about "the last straw", but trust me, if this woman can even look at me and smile, it will be a small miracle.

I know that its probably best if I just move on with my life, but I just cant. After everything that has happened, something in me still feels like she is the one. Maybe I'm in denial, maybe I'm selfish and stubborn, but this is just where I stand. One question that I find myself spending time debating is : When is it time to really move on? How long should you persist when all signs point to "no". I dunno man. Ive been told by many friends, that "If this is the girl you want: you'll do what it takes to get her back". My obvious response is :"Yes, she is worth it", but again I ask myself : When does "trying to get her back" turn into "crazy stalker that cant get a fucking clue"?. Something tells me that one way or another, I will have these answers very soon. Either way, this is the road I'm taking & I just have to have faith that things will work out for the best.

I feel trapped in my own self imposed prison. On one hand, I don't want her to move on. Selfish I know, but I don't want her to forget me. I want to remind her about the good times we had in hopes that she can look past our current situation and give me the second chance Ive been asking for. I know that all relationships are supposed to be equal. One person shouldn't have to chase or guilt trip the other back into the relationship, but still & with varied success, the guilt trip down memory lane, is my weapon of choice. I have no patience. This has been my flaw for years and I think I am too old to change. I just cant sit by idle while she attempts to move on with someone else. Even though, that might be what she needs to do in order to realize that I am the one for her. Something in me cant leave this up to fate to sort out. I got myself into this mess, I need to be the one to get myself out.

Just the idea of her calling some other dude her boyfriend makes me crazy. Like do something stupid , crazy. I cant imagine what ill do if I ever hear about her dating someone else; that's why I want to try to avoid that at all costs. I think I have silently made a pact with myself, that if she is "dating" someone else, then its probably in my best interest that I move one. Besides, prison stripes don't really look good on me, and that's probably what Id be wearing for the next 25 to life, if I ever heard about or witnessed her in a relationship with another dude. Again, hypocritical. Extremely hypocritical, but I think im entitled to feel this way. Call me crazy, but a crime of the heart far out ways a crime of the flesh. Shes always had my heart. If she decided to be in love with another, I really think something inside me would snap or break & I wouldn't be able to control the eventual rage & anger within that would consume everyone involved.

I know that the solution to this problem is no longer in my hands and that makes me crazy as well. It feels like no matter what I do, I just make the situation worse, but at the same time, if i do nothing I feel like I'm helping her move on. Catch 22.

What the fuck am I supposed to do?

That being said, everyday this thing lingers on is like one more day in prison. I keep scheming up ways to get out, but it only adds time to my sentence. "Prison" isn't fun. Writing this isn't fun. Feeling this way isn't fun. I feel like a shell of the person I used to be. Walking around ready to burst into tears in an instant, carrying this guilt and regret in me everyday, hoping for a miracle.


Day 233. No miracle today. More of the same. Maybe tomorrow will be the day....


I think I've already lost you

I think you're already gone

I think I'm finally scared now

You think I'm weak - but I think you're wrong


I think you're already leaving

Feels like your hand is on the door

I thought this place was an empire

But now I'm relaxed - I can't be sure

I think you're so mean - I think we should try

I think I could need - this in my life

I think I'm scared - I think too much

I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing


If you're gone - maybe it's time to come home

There's an awful lot of breathing room

But I can hardly move

If you're gone - baby you need to come home, come home

Cuz there's a little bit of something me

In everything in you


I bet you're hard to get over

I bet the wound just won't shut

I bet my hands I can stay here

I bet you need - more than you mind

I think you're so mean - I think we should try

I think I could need - this in my life

I think I'm just scared - that I know too much

I can't relate and that's a problem I'm feeling


If you're gone - maybe it's time to COME home

There's an awful lot of breathing room

But I can hardly move

If you're gone - baby you need to come home, come home

Cuz there's a little bit of something me

In everything in you

.....update

Wow, never thought id openly say this. But I am a bad person. Relationship wise that is. I just seem to have a knack for fucking things up. I was talking to a girl friend of mine and she made the comment,

"How come guys act like they know what they want, but they mess up and make things so hard"

When I graduated from college, I had it all. My degree, a good job, proud parents, truck I always wanted, smoking hot Nigerian girlfriend that was everything I ever wanted. Almost three years later, my life is in shambles. And I am scrambling, trying to pick up the pieces.

Life is funny, when one thing goes great in your life, other things tend to go the opposite directions.......and in a hurry.

Well I finally got my "dream job". I am a Financial Analyst @ Random Retail Video Chain Inc. Making more money that I thought I could at this age [25 yrs & 11 months]& working with really good people. I think my career has taken a positive step in the right direction and I thank God for all his blessings in this regard.

However, my personal life at best can be compared to a really bad episode of Melrose Place. [Showing my age there], ill make it a little easier for some of you unfamiliar, a shitty black version of The Hills?? Hopefully that helps. Anyhow, the shit has really hit the fan. I heard a quote that best sums up what I'm going thru/having to deal with at the moment:

"inevitably, the further you run from your sins, the more exhausted you are when they catch up to you. And they do"

I keep asking my self how the hell I got here. What have I ruined? How will this shit effect my life going forward? I don't really know the answers now, but I am scared as hell to find out. Ive already resolved that if she can deal with this shit, then she is the one meant for me to marry. I pray God gives her the strength to face me after all of this plays out. If not then I guess it was never meant to be. Something in my gut tells me that I wont ever see or hear from her again. I just cant help feeling responsible for all of this. WAIT!!! I AM RESPONSIBLE. I put that poor girl through so much, and the ironic things is that all I really wanted to do was make her happy. Make us happy. Things have gone from bad, to worse, to horribly gone wrong. Life has a way of changing your plan just when you think you have it all figured out.

God please give me the strength to deal with all of this. I know that you don't put your children thru anything they cannot handle, but I have no idea how I'm gonna deal with this on my own. I don't think I am strong enough.

I know this post is fairly vague, but its the best I can do under the current conditions. For those of you who know me personally or frequent this blog regularly, I just ask that you don't ask me too many questions right now, because I'm still trying to find the answers. Ive been dealing with alot of heavy shit the last few months.

Just know that I need your prayers now more than ever.

Till next time.........