I don't think I will ever adjust to not being in a relationship. It has been over 6 months since I have spoken to my ex, so I'm pretty sure that this thing is for real. I think people that go in and out of relationships like its nothing (or give the appearance that its nothing) are extraordinary human beings. I know people that don't waste time dating or entertaining other people on a serious level after they have split with an ex. Its been 7 months and I cant even stomach the idea. I must be missing that gene in body that will just give someone else a chance. It seems that I have been ruined by a good woman because it is going to take a modern miracle for me to ever look at another girl the way I looked at her. I get advice all the time "date around", "see whats out there". I don't like being alone, but I do have a conscious. I cant waste someones time and I don't want to waste my time either. I can tell from the instant that I meet someone that its either gonna be purely physical or an emotional waste of their time. Strange thing is that for some reason, when you "reject" women, they seem to come on stronger. Mind boggling. I don't wanna be that guy that messes around with a girl and leads her on ya know. Don't get me wrong, Ive done it in the past, I just think i should change my ways. Or at least try. I wish I could trust God more on this one. Then maybe I wouldn't be so consumed by this that I have to take to the blog in order to avoid shedding tears randomly. There are days that I struggle with the notion that THIS is all part of Gods plan for me. I think today is one of those days. I just want to be happy but it seems like nights alone and dinners for one continue to be my present and very much apart of my future. I am going to be honest. This sucks. I guess the silver lining for me in this is that the next time I find myself in a relationship that I find value in; I will treasure it and not take it for granted. I think that was part of my problem to begin with. No matter what happened, I just felt like my relationship with my ex could take it. Like it was something that could be continually tried and tested........and never fall apart. I was wrong. Very wrong. That's something Ill have to think about forever. And try not to repeat if I am lucky enough to be in a similar situation down the road.
Well, at least work is going good........oh wait.......not so much
I am bored as hell at work. Don't get me wrong, the money is good, but I guess I am getting to the point of being so insanely bored that I might actually go look for another job. Crazy right? I know, it scared me just typing it. A few months ago, I was told that a promotion was in the works, but I think that's something they tell talented employees to discourage them from looking. Guess what, it fucking worked like a charm on me. I stopped looking and even started spending money that I don't have. Two months later (and no discussion of the previously stated promotion); I find my self quietly saying FML to myself everyday I walk into the office.
At least school is going ok........wait nope......not so much......
The aforementioned cocksuckers that I am employed by, pulled our tuition reimbursement benefit two weeks before I was eligible to receive it. Talk about perfect timing. Citing the economic downturn they felt like it was in the company's best interest to pull it. I feel like I owe it to myself and to my parents to get my Masters degree, but I ain't paying for that shit. We are in a recession and I need every penny I can scrape together. I am a phone call away from being laid off like the other 8% in this state. So basically, I need to find a new job. One that will pay me what I am worth and pay for my Masters. I guess I could focus my energy on that. Well see how that goes. Fuck.
Till next time........
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On the relationship aspect: you know it is unfortunate your situation, however I can say that from a woman's perspective: that men can take a good woman for granted. they think, oh she'll take me back. and time and time again we do. Then one day we have an "awakening" an "epiphany" and wake up. We are able to finally let go of what has caused us so much pain. I think that the time that you are going through is to help you grow as a man. It is to help you value a GREAT woman when you have her. It is the time for you to focus on you and better yourself, so that way when the time comes, you are able to appreciate it and value it. It will come. You will have another opportunity. You just have to be patient, because it will happen in God's time.
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