back for the first time......

I know its been a while but I think im finally at a place where I can resume my normal blogging schedule. I'm just gonna warn you, my next few post are probably gonna be pretty depressing and sad, but I promised myself that I would keep it real on this blog & that I would use this as my release in hopes that anyone that comes across this blog can leave it saying........"I felt that" or at the very least relate to what they just read.

I don't intend on breaking that promise, so without further adieu.........

Day 232. No miracle today. More of the same. Maybe tomorrow will be the day....

Sometimes life can throw shit at you that is pretty tough to deal with. I'm gonna be honest here. I miss my ex girlfriend. I know at times, my actions may be contradictory, but I honestly miss her.



I MISS HER!



I don't know what I'm gonna do if this shit doesn't turn around. Being in this situation with someone you like is a piece of cake. You only "like" them right. You don't have anything invested in the relationship, you can brush yourself of and just move on to the next one.

Being in this situation with someone you love will is one of the hardest things Ive had to deal with in my 26 years on this earth. What makes this situation so difficult is that I can only blame one person.......ME. I'm so used to being the one with the "upper hand" in relationships. I'm always the one "in the right". I'm always the one contemplating giving someone a second or third chance. I have to be honest, Ive never been able to do it, so when I sit hear and ask this woman to do this thing Ive never been able to do, it make me sad, because I know that chances are really slim that this thing will end in my favor. I will say this : its very interesting to see how things are on the other side. When shit is your fault, you have absolutely no leverage at all. You cant say shit. You cant even make jokes about other people that have done things you are in "trouble" for. Being in this position with someone I genuinely care about has been the most depressing, lesson-has been learned; harsh bit of reality that has ever happened to me.

Ive been extremely vague about "the last straw", but trust me, if this woman can even look at me and smile, it will be a small miracle.

I know that its probably best if I just move on with my life, but I just cant. After everything that has happened, something in me still feels like she is the one. Maybe I'm in denial, maybe I'm selfish and stubborn, but this is just where I stand. One question that I find myself spending time debating is : When is it time to really move on? How long should you persist when all signs point to "no". I dunno man. Ive been told by many friends, that "If this is the girl you want: you'll do what it takes to get her back". My obvious response is :"Yes, she is worth it", but again I ask myself : When does "trying to get her back" turn into "crazy stalker that cant get a fucking clue"?. Something tells me that one way or another, I will have these answers very soon. Either way, this is the road I'm taking & I just have to have faith that things will work out for the best.

I feel trapped in my own self imposed prison. On one hand, I don't want her to move on. Selfish I know, but I don't want her to forget me. I want to remind her about the good times we had in hopes that she can look past our current situation and give me the second chance Ive been asking for. I know that all relationships are supposed to be equal. One person shouldn't have to chase or guilt trip the other back into the relationship, but still & with varied success, the guilt trip down memory lane, is my weapon of choice. I have no patience. This has been my flaw for years and I think I am too old to change. I just cant sit by idle while she attempts to move on with someone else. Even though, that might be what she needs to do in order to realize that I am the one for her. Something in me cant leave this up to fate to sort out. I got myself into this mess, I need to be the one to get myself out.

Just the idea of her calling some other dude her boyfriend makes me crazy. Like do something stupid , crazy. I cant imagine what ill do if I ever hear about her dating someone else; that's why I want to try to avoid that at all costs. I think I have silently made a pact with myself, that if she is "dating" someone else, then its probably in my best interest that I move one. Besides, prison stripes don't really look good on me, and that's probably what Id be wearing for the next 25 to life, if I ever heard about or witnessed her in a relationship with another dude. Again, hypocritical. Extremely hypocritical, but I think im entitled to feel this way. Call me crazy, but a crime of the heart far out ways a crime of the flesh. Shes always had my heart. If she decided to be in love with another, I really think something inside me would snap or break & I wouldn't be able to control the eventual rage & anger within that would consume everyone involved.

I know that the solution to this problem is no longer in my hands and that makes me crazy as well. It feels like no matter what I do, I just make the situation worse, but at the same time, if i do nothing I feel like I'm helping her move on. Catch 22.

What the fuck am I supposed to do?

That being said, everyday this thing lingers on is like one more day in prison. I keep scheming up ways to get out, but it only adds time to my sentence. "Prison" isn't fun. Writing this isn't fun. Feeling this way isn't fun. I feel like a shell of the person I used to be. Walking around ready to burst into tears in an instant, carrying this guilt and regret in me everyday, hoping for a miracle.


Day 233. No miracle today. More of the same. Maybe tomorrow will be the day....


I think I've already lost you

I think you're already gone

I think I'm finally scared now

You think I'm weak - but I think you're wrong


I think you're already leaving

Feels like your hand is on the door

I thought this place was an empire

But now I'm relaxed - I can't be sure

I think you're so mean - I think we should try

I think I could need - this in my life

I think I'm scared - I think too much

I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing


If you're gone - maybe it's time to come home

There's an awful lot of breathing room

But I can hardly move

If you're gone - baby you need to come home, come home

Cuz there's a little bit of something me

In everything in you


I bet you're hard to get over

I bet the wound just won't shut

I bet my hands I can stay here

I bet you need - more than you mind

I think you're so mean - I think we should try

I think I could need - this in my life

I think I'm just scared - that I know too much

I can't relate and that's a problem I'm feeling


If you're gone - maybe it's time to COME home

There's an awful lot of breathing room

But I can hardly move

If you're gone - baby you need to come home, come home

Cuz there's a little bit of something me

In everything in you